How do I get this life right? How do I find the answer that makes life make sense and make life easy? Who has this answer? There must be a right answer, right?!
I have spent my life in search of how to get life right. How do we bring order to this chaos? How do we stop the suffering that we see around us? How do we do this better? This constant yearning, searching, striving, asking, uncovering, this feeling of desperation, that keeps pushing me along, holding tight to my belief that there has to be an answer, and if only I could find it, I could bring order to this chaos, peace to fear, and wellness to dis-ease. With, of course, the even more lofty goal that once I attained the answer and could apply it in my own life I could then teach others how to do the same.
The more I searched, the more frustrated I became. Course after course, teacher after teacher, book after book, treatment after treatment, I found many answers and yet no magic "right" answer. My belief that there should be and could an answer, had me not only angry with myself for not finding it, but disappointed and resenting everyone else around me for failing to have the answer I so desperately needed. I was so willing to trust others and their directions, to hold tight to my belief that the answer was outside of myself and someone else was going to have it to give to me. The more I searched for these answers, and the more people I tried to get the answer from the more lost I felt.
I resigned myself to rejecting everyone and everything. I started doubting that anyone could help me and that I would have to go it alone. This lead to a very deep dive inwards, a very isolating, very frightening, very dark rabbit hole. I misinterpreted the teaching "All answers lie within" to mean that I was on my own in figuring it out and that there was no need for me to look to anyone else around me because they couldn't possibly have my answer, so what could they offer me? I was very hopeful that this time I might actually find the right answer within me by getting rid of everything external to me. Turns out, this was also not the case.
It has been very difficult for me to accept that there might not be a right answer, but letting go of striving for that answer has been one of the biggest gifts I have given to myself. I don't know the answer, and I no longer hold the expectation that anyone else should either, and in that I have freed myself to experience myself and others exactly as we are: perfectly imperfect.
My belief in how this whole crazy place works is constantly changing but from where I currently stand I believe we are on a very personal journey of unfolding that is meant to be done in experience with others:
Going inwards allowed me to become more intimate with my intuition, to sit quietly with my higher mind, to develop faith in spirit and the ways in which spirit will guide me when I am open to hearing it. This inner wisdom is the guide I then turn to as I navigate my way through the world. The more time I spend in communication with my inner Self, the more available this part of myself becomes to me.
Going outwards into the world, and into friendships and into community has allowed me to see myself in others, to hear from others how they are navigating their journey, to truly hear others, not to hear them to judge if they are getting it right or getting it wrong, but to hear the humanness of their experience. To see myself in others and to learn through others wisdom that I can then reconcile into my own journey through my inner wisdom.
Each day I move forward, I look to balance these spaces, I go inward in meditation and I ask spirit for guidance, and I go outwards into the world to learn from others, to hear from others, to learn to see the richness of my spirit in others. I was never able to hear others before, I didn't mean to be a bad listener, but my listening for this illusory right answer had me completely missing that the richness of the learning which wasn't only in the words but was in the entirety of the experience with the person I was in interaction with. I do have so much more to say on how I'm working to integrate my inner and outer experience and how it's changing my personal choices and the ways I spend my days, but I hope to write more about that in the future.
I am so grateful to everyone who has popped in and out of my life along this path I am meandering (well mostly I have been trying to spring this path, but I'm really looking forward to meandering going forward). I know you have your own path, and I wish you well on your way, should we walk a long while together or just a few steps, I am grateful for your hand along the way.
With so much love to all of you out there, walking your paths, and holding each others hands.